The Road Trip From Hell
by RicardianScholar Clark-Weasley
Summary: An AU scene for the series 5 finale. Rumpelstiltskin is forced to drive back a baby-brained Zelena, a Captain Hook that suffers from motion sickness, and two loved up idiots that like to sing duets to one another...he's pretty sure he never left the Underworld.


**Summary:** A Christmas present for the lovely TVnut. Merry Christmas!

Rumpelstiltskin was certain he was in hell.

Or more accurately, he was now certain he had never left the Underworld and this was torture perfectly designed by Hades.

After all, why else would he be trapped in his own car, in traffic, with Zelena, Hook, and the Charmings _of all people_? It's not something he would volunteer to do even if he wasn't the Dark One and was actually on good terms with these people.

Unable to slip through the portal in time, he had found himself dragged back by the collar of his now ruined shirt to his car by Regina. He tried to wheedle out of it and get himself into the Bug with Henry, Regina, and Emma, but now they were co-parenting he quickly discovered Regina and Emma made a formidable team and was soon forced into the car as the mothers happily skipped off into the sunset with their son.

He might have been all right if Zelena was her usual, annoying, evil, self but unfortunately Zelena had discovered motherhood and the joys of babies, and now she was annoying on a whole new level.

"…She just have the cutest little fingers," Zelena cooed, "and the most widdle, biddy, little toes! She's just utterly _adorable_! I am so lucky to have a pretty baby."

Hook groaned.

Rumpelstiltskin hated to admit it but he shared the feeling of disgust.

"Babies are cute," Snow agreed, "Oh David do you remember when Neal was first born? His little fingers."

"They looked as dainty and fragile as your lovely fingers," Charming said nauseatingly as he picked up Snow's hand and pressed a loving kiss on the back of it, "but they were strong, like yours, too."

"Yes," Snow fluttered her eyelashes, "but he has your strong chin."

Hook groaned again.

Seeing as Hook was always trying to get into the Charmings good graces in order to date Emma, it seemed a little off for him to groan at that one. "What's wrong with the Pirate?" Rumpelstiltskin asked grumpily.

"Oh," Snow shrugged lightly, "he has motion sickness."

"…He's a _pirate!_ " Rumpelstiltskin exclaimed disbelievingly.

"Yeah," Charming said sheepishly, "apparently if it's not a boat, he gets sick on it."

" _Typical_!" Rumpelstiltskin muttered darkly. "Don't you dare vomit!" he snarled at Hook. "If you vomit and ruin my Italian leather seats I will make your life a living hell."

"Been there," Hook moaned, "done that, nothing new…. _urgh_ …"

"You know what this road trip needs?" Charming spoke up. "A sing-a-long!"

" _Yes!_ " Snow cried out delighted.

" _No!_!" Rumpelstiltskin snapped.

He was ignored as Zelena had moved on to describing her baby's different cries, Hook was still groaning and moaning like the useless lump he was, and the Charmings exchanged another nauseatingly, loving, stare.

"They say we're young and we don't know," Snow sang sweetly, "We won't find out until we grow."

" _I said no_!" Rumpelstiltskin yelled.

"Well I don't know if all that's true," Charming crooned, "'Cause you got me, and baby I got you. Babe."

"I got you babe," the Charmings sang in unison as they threaded both hands together and gazed lovingly into one another's eyes, "I got you babe."

Rumpelstiltskin desperately fumbled for his radio and cursed the fact that it didn't seem to be working when a deer – _of all things_! – chose that exact moment the run out into the road and he had to slam on the breaks as hard and quickly as possible. The car jerked to a stop and then –

" **BLERGH**!"

Rumpelstiltskin closed his eyes and counted to ten as he felt Hook's steadily cooling vomit run down the back of his neck.

"…Oh!" Zelena gasped, oblivious to the vomit smell, "and my baby's eyelashes are just the prettiest! They add to that angelic affect when she's sleeping. I can just picture when she's grown up and-"

"I got you babe!" the Charmings sang loudly. "I got you babe!"

…yes, there was no doubt about it. Rumpelstiltskin was in hell.

OUATOUATOUATOUATOUAT

Emma, Regina, and Henry had a lovely drive home.

Regina felt smugly satisfied that both she and Emma were successful in making Henry realise what he did was wrong and that he had learnt his lesson about acting irresponsible and without thinking. Once the lecturing was done and Henry had apologised sincerely, they then had some precious moments of bonding that involved an ice cream stop and a few rounds of eye spy.

So despite being crammed in a ridiculously tiny and cheap car that was uncomfortable as hell, Regina actually got out feeling rather refreshed.

And then Rumpelstiltskin pulled up on the opposite side of the road, leaped out of the car, and hobbled furiously towards her and Emma.

"I learnt my lesson!" he barked. "Never again will I lay a hand on Henry. No matter how justified-"

" _It was not justified_!" Emma hissed.

"If you think it was," Regina said curtly, "then you obviously haven't learnt your lesson. Perhaps you ought to go back in that car and personally ensure that-"

"All right, all right," Rumpelstiltskin said hastily, "I was wrong to act as I did and I swear I will never lay a hand on Henry, magical or otherwise, for the rest of my days. Now for the _love of God never make me drive those people again_!"

Regina wrinkled her nose in disgust. "What is that smell?" she demanded to know.

"The vomit of Miss Swan's paramour," Rumpelstiltskin replied stiffly, "apparently he gets motion sickness."

"….but he's a _pirate,_ " Regina pointed out exasperatedly.

"Yeah," Emma said sheepishly, "he's utterly useless with overland travel."

And this was one of the few father figures Henry had left in his life…. _oh dear God they were doomed!_

"And to make my journey even more insufferable," Rumpelstiltskin carried on furiously, "your sister has apparently become a nitwit with nothing better to discuss than her baby's cute little fingernails," he said mockingly, "while _your_ parents," he glowered at Emma," are the most nauseatingly, sickeningly, loved up couples I have ever had the misfortune to meet. _They sing_! Sing I tell you! And nothing decent either! Just the most clichéd, corniest, irritating, love duets you can imagine. Now if you will excuse me I am going to throw myself off the highest building's roof or drown myself in a bottle of whiskey, whichever happens to be nearest."

And with that he hobbled away indignantly with his head held up high.

"Poor sod," Emma murmured, "perhaps we were too mean with the punishment?"

" _Are you kidding me_?!" Regina exclaimed. "He knocked Henry out _unconscious_!"

"Yeah, but Regina," Emma said horrified, "he had to put up with my parents… _singing_!"

In the far distance Regina could hear Snow and David crooning out 'Don't Go Breaking My Heart' and instantly suffered a traumatic flashback to the days when they returned to the Enchanted Forest and had to all travel from one castle to another on foot….even the Dwarves got fed up with the Charmings loved up singing. The _Dwarves_!

"….we'll pay for his sessions with Dr Hopper."


End file.
